{"id":638,"date":"2016-05-12T18:43:00","date_gmt":"2016-05-12T18:43:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/katrina.effexhost.com\/index.php\/2016\/05\/12\/rejection-scars\/"},"modified":"2025-01-09T04:10:25","modified_gmt":"2025-01-09T04:10:25","slug":"rejection-scars","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lifewithkatie.com\/index.php\/2016\/05\/12\/rejection-scars\/","title":{"rendered":"Rejection Scars"},"content":{"rendered":"
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It\u2019s a tough afternoon around here right now. Insecurities are screaming in my head and I\u2019m really struggling with shutting them down. It gets this way sometimes. It gets this way when I let my head go somewhere it shouldn\u2019t go. In this case, it went down the path of someone in my world could possibly be more than they are now. A few days ago, we had that conversation because it had occurred to him too and in the end, he rejected me on that level. There are always reasons why it\u2019s not because of who I am\u2026I don\u2019t live close enough, he\u2019d never be brave enough to pursue anything, etc.. Heck, someone even told me the other day that they really wanted me sexually but instead they unfriended me on Facebook because I was so far out of their league. I\u2019ve heard that one before. That was the line guys in college told me years later when they confessed to liking me.<\/p>\n

The reality \u2026at least my reality\u2026 is that I don\u2019t believe any of it. After years of being told I was stupid and nobody would ever want me, that I wasn\u2019t wanted by my own parents, it\u2019s stuck. That\u2019s the voice I hear inside my head with every rejection. I destroy myself by repeating it out loud to myself. You\u2019re stupid. You\u2019re fat. You\u2019re ugly. Nobody is ever going to want you, not even just for any kind of physical relationship that doesn\u2019t involve marriage or anything like that. It\u2019s become a mantra on the days where I\u2019ve done something like this, believed there was a possibility.
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\nYou\u2019re stupid. You\u2019re fat. You\u2019re ugly. Nobody will ever want you. Your own family didn\u2019t want you. You\u2019re a nobody. Invisible. Only seen when somebody wants something and then thrown away again. Used. Discarded. Worthless. You\u2019re going to be alone forever. Nobody will ever want you.<\/i><\/p>\n

Nobody is saying those words to me anymore except for me and on days like today they come faster and faster until it\u2019s like a blur inside my own head. When I was a child, I had a closet that was above our stairs. There were two rows of rods and clothing hanging in it and I would climb up into it and hide. Nobody could find me there (not that they were looking) and I was safe. I miss that closet. I miss having a hiding place where I can curl up until it all stops.<\/p>\n

When I lost my hiding spot, I started hurting myself. I\u2019d scratch until I nearly bled. Anything to stop the voices in my head. Anything to distract me from the emotional pain. Did you know that a glass dildo when swung at fleshy parts of the body can leave amazing bruises? I do. I\u2019ve done it. I\u2019ve sat and just hit myself in the same spot over and over again in an attempt to get rid of the emotional anguish. It works, right until you stop swinging and things like pants hide the marks you\u2019ve left. Always hide the marks you\u2019ve left. It\u2019s safer than people asking you questions. If you\u2019re lucky, you\u2019ve worn yourself out enough that you sleep. Sleep can help. It quiets the chemicals in the brain.<\/p>\n

Still, here I sit, remembering that not having expectations, not having dreams, not thinking yourself worthy and all sorts of horrible things is sometimes safer than letting yourself have those things because when time and time again you don\u2019t get them or you get rejected, you\u2019re brought right back to this place and while it\u2019s familiar, it will never be comfortable.<\/p>\n

I long for the times when I had the self-confidence to truly believe in myself and that things were possible. Not just people things, but me things. There are days when I wake up and I smile and I really believe that I am an amazing person, that I can do the things that I want to do, that I\u2019m not crippled by the contents of my own head. They happen and remembering that gives me small bits of hope on the really bad days. I try to remind myself of just how far I\u2019ve come and that I can\u2019t give up. I may be my own worst enemy but sometimes I have to also be my own biggest supporter. It\u2019s hard. It\u2019s hard to pick yourself back up when you\u2019re the one who knocked you down, but sometimes you\u2019re all you have because you live in a world where people just don\u2019t understand. It\u2019s easy to be sympathetic to someone who has cancer or lost a limb or is somehow physically crippled. It\u2019s not so easy when what\u2019s been destroyed is a piece of your very soul and when due to no fault of your own, your own brain chemistry hates you and tries every chance it gets to cause more harm.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t talk about my life, my world, my struggles with very many people anymore. After opening up completely to two people who in the end not only rejected me but cut me completely from their worlds, I\u2019ve shut down. I\u2019ve hidden away here in my little village. Most people only see the surface, they see what they\u2019re comfortable seeing, and don\u2019t have to see anything more. Now again, I tried opening up to someone and I\u2019ve gotten hurt and another brick goes up but maybe it’s progress that it isn’t an entire wall.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re stupid<\/span> brilliant. You\u2019re fat<\/span> unique. You\u2019re ugly<\/span> beautiful. Nobody will ever want you. Your own family didn\u2019t want you. (They\u2019re idiots.) You\u2019re a nobody<\/span> princess. Invisible<\/span> Loved. Only seen (by idiots) when somebody<\/span> \u00a0an idiot wants something and then thrown away again. Used<\/span> Needed. Discarded<\/span> Wanted. Worthless<\/span> Precious. You\u2019re going to be alone<\/span> here forever<\/span> for a very long time. Nobody<\/span> Somebody special will ever<\/span> want you forever. Don\u2019t give up yet.\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n

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It\u2019s a tough afternoon around here right now. Insecurities are screaming in my head and I\u2019m really struggling with shutting them down. It gets this way sometimes. It gets this…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-638","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lifewithkatie.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/638","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lifewithkatie.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lifewithkatie.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifewithkatie.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifewithkatie.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=638"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/lifewithkatie.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/638\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2235,"href":"https:\/\/lifewithkatie.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/638\/revisions\/2235"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lifewithkatie.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=638"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifewithkatie.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=638"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifewithkatie.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=638"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}